[on a scale from wit to whimsy: Punny, Satire, Drum-Cymbal]
Dr. Marz: Facebook Shares are down.
Dr. Sher: You’re telling me. I’m going to have to sell my helicopter and the diamond collar I bought my cat.
Dr. Marz: [rolls eyes] No, no, no. SHARES are down. People are leaving in droves. And the people who are sticking around aren’t sharing at virile post levels. They’re useless to the bottom line.
Dr. Sher: Damn. I guess we took that Share-Throttling to Increase Advertising Spending program just a little too far.
Dr. Marz: We better act fast.
Dr. Sher: I know how to act. I took some improv classes during my residency. Thought it would make me more creative in dealing with my worst psychiatric couch potatoes.
Dr. Marz: I think you’re our woman then. What’s the plan? How can we get these potatoes off the couch and back into the oven?
Dr. Sher: I recommend a 3-step plan:
A. Let’s jack up their “this post was seen by” numbers bit by tiny bit, over the course of a two-week period, to start changing their results without them knowing it
2. Around week two, let’s send out extra emails to Page Owners that say, “Your page had activity today.” That will encourage them to go look at their pages and see—voilà—that for the first time in about a year, their page has had activity!
B. We should announce that we’ve “noticed” that when people see more status updates, they write more status updates (this is vital information for the Page Managers!). And, while we’re at it, we should note that they’ve been doing it wrong and give them a brand new (ha!:) option for sharing called “link share.” Perfect hot coals approach!
Dr. Marz: Listen, Dr. Sher… that’s one step and two letters. This is never going to work.
Dr. Sher: Leave it to me.
Dr. Marz: You were the one who got us into this fix.
Dr. Sher: [slaps hand on table]. Bet!
Dr. Marz: Bet what?
Dr. Sher: Bet the diamond-studded cat collar this plan will work.
Dr. Marz: You’re on.
Dr. Sher: [smiles and gives a thumbs up]
Dr. Marz: Hey, wait a minute. Did you already sell the damned cat collar? What do you think I am? Half-baked?
Dr. Sher: [laughs out loud] You have no choice, Dr. Marz. It’s this, or we’re both fried!
Photo by Enokson, Creative Commons, via Flickr.
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