[on a scale of wit to whimsy: Satire]
In breaking news, Facebook’s psychologists are desperately trying to revive Page Managers, who they etherized upon a Status Update table.
Using an experimental cocktail of guilt-tripping and self-esteem building, Facebook hopes to revive these Page Managers so they will stop lying there weeping about how their businesses have faced imminent ruin due to unethical anesthesiology from the Facebook Status Update algorithm. The initial goal is to wake these Managers, to bring back their virile posting frequency.
Reports have it that the Facebook psychologists are in personal crisis over the posting decline. Because it has been “noticed” that etherized Page Managers are unable to access their bank accounts to pay for advertising to save their dying Facebook investments.
It is still unclear whether comatose Page Managers can actually *hear* while laid out in the hastily patched-together recovery room. But Facebook psychologists refuse to lose hope. They are tenderly whispering sweet nothings to their beloved Page Managers, hoping that the sound of their voices will jumpstart the bank accounts (though not the lucidity) of the Managers.
Business scientists are watching closely, ready to discover the answer to this important question: Can comatose Page Managers actually hear?
It will be hard to tell if Page Managers can hear, if all they are hearing is “nothing” (no matter how sweetly that nothing is whispered).
The scientific Business Advisory Committee to Facebook Marketing Psychologists recommends raising the volume. And the results. Back to levels where they were when they sold Page Managers the fan page goods.
Alternately, Facebook Marketing psychologists are invited to be laid on the table themselves. After all, if it was good for the Page Manager gooses, it promises to be thrilling for the Facebook ganders.
Want to enjoy more of the literary allusion “etherized upon a table”? Visit The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock at Tweetspeak Poetry
Or, get this timely advice from Amber Haines, on the power of pirouetting, to nefariously escape the Premium Facebook Throttling Program7