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Facebook Wants You in its SAP

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Facebook SAP satire at Eatloveread.me

[on a scale from wit to whimsy: Satire]

‘Tis the season to receive college direct mail. Oh my.

I can’t keep up with the letters that are pouring in for my older daughter. She stopped opening the mail after the first paper cut and a good deal of satirical attitude about the flattery. “An outstanding student like you.” “Such talent.” “You are destined for greatness.”

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She’s not buying it.

As the parental unit of the house, I have been quite amused and, consequently, couldn’t resist taking up my own chance to write a direct mail piece from my favorite love-not-to-love social media company. Without further adieu, Facebook Wants You in its SAP:

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Dear Blogger or Business Owner:

We have run some tests and found you to be a person of outstanding hope and resilience. We’ve noticed that such qualities make for the ideal participant in SAP (our world-class Status Achievement Program).

If you join SAP, you can achieve new lows in your internet reach—leading you to prized professional qualities like loneliness, depression, and despair.

As a bonus, you will be invited to join our global SAP dance team, led by our infamous Public Relations dance instructors.

We understand that Twitter and Google+ are making a bid for your time and money. But we know SAP will promise greater low returns. And THIS will allow you to use your outstanding hope and resilience.

So, join us today. We can’t wait to give you the opportunity to use your hope and resilience in previously unparalleled ways. What could possibly be more rewarding?

Your Biggest Friend,
The Facebookie Team

P.S. Not convinced? We’ve done the math and observed the important trends noted on the chart below. Read it now. Don’t delay. We’re absolutely convinced you’ll see the benefits of being a SAP participant. Share more today!!

Facebook SAP satire from eatloveread.me

Sign photo at post top, Banalities, Creative commons, via Flickr.

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Browse more Facebook humor

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Facebook Executive Psychologist Triage Meeting

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Facebook potato Mr. Potato Head

[on a scale from wit to whimsy: Punny, Satire, Drum-Cymbal]

Dr. Marz: Facebook Shares are down.

Dr. Sher: You’re telling me. I’m going to have to sell my helicopter and the diamond collar I bought my cat.

Dr. Marz: [rolls eyes] No, no, no. SHARES are down. People are leaving in droves. And the people who are sticking around aren’t sharing at virile post levels. They’re useless to the bottom line.

Dr. Sher: Damn. I guess we took that Share-Throttling to Increase Advertising Spending program just a little too far.

Dr. Marz: We better act fast.

Dr. Sher: I know how to act. I took some improv classes during my residency. Thought it would make me more creative in dealing with my worst psychiatric couch potatoes.

Dr. Marz: I think you’re our woman then. What’s the plan? How can we get these potatoes off the couch and back into the oven?

Dr. Sher: I recommend a 3-step plan:

A. Let’s jack up their “this post was seen by” numbers bit by tiny bit, over the course of a two-week period, to start changing their results without them knowing it

2. Around week two, let’s send out extra emails to Page Owners that say, “Your page had activity today.” That will encourage them to go look at their pages and see—voilà—that for the first time in about a year, their page has had activity!

B. We should announce that we’ve “noticed” that when people see more status updates, they write more status updates (this is vital information for the Page Managers!). And, while we’re at it, we should note that they’ve been doing it wrong and give them a brand new (ha!:) option for sharing called “link share.” Perfect hot coals approach!

Dr. Marz: Listen, Dr. Sher… that’s one step and two letters. This is never going to work.

Dr. Sher: Leave it to me.

Dr. Marz: You were the one who got us into this fix.

Dr. Sher: [slaps hand on table]. Bet!

Dr. Marz: Bet what?

Dr. Sher: Bet the diamond-studded cat collar this plan will work.

Dr. Marz: You’re on.

Dr. Sher: [smiles and gives a thumbs up]

Dr. Marz: Hey, wait a minute. Did you already sell the damned cat collar? What do you think I am? Half-baked?

Dr. Sher: [laughs out loud] You have no choice, Dr. Marz. It’s this, or we’re both fried!

Photo by Enokson, Creative Commons, via Flickr.

Related post: Facebook Tries to Revive Page Managers They Mistakenly Etherized

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Facebook Tries to Revive Page Managers They Mistakenly Etherized

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Facebook tries to jumpstart sales

[on a scale of wit to whimsy: Satire]

In breaking news, Facebook’s psychologists are desperately trying to revive Page Managers, who they etherized upon a Status Update table.

Using an experimental cocktail of guilt-tripping and self-esteem building, Facebook hopes to revive these Page Managers so they will stop lying there weeping about how their businesses have faced imminent ruin due to unethical anesthesiology from the Facebook Status Update algorithm. The initial goal is to wake these Managers, to bring back their virile posting frequency.

Reports have it that the Facebook psychologists are in personal crisis over the posting decline. Because it has been “noticed” that etherized Page Managers are unable to access their bank accounts to pay for advertising to save their dying Facebook investments.

It is still unclear whether comatose Page Managers can actually *hear* while laid out in the hastily patched-together recovery room. But Facebook psychologists refuse to lose hope. They are tenderly whispering sweet nothings to their beloved Page Managers, hoping that the sound of their voices will jumpstart the bank accounts (though not the lucidity) of the Managers.

Business scientists are watching closely, ready to discover the answer to this important question: Can comatose Page Managers actually hear?

It will be hard to tell if Page Managers can hear, if all they are hearing is “nothing” (no matter how sweetly that nothing is whispered).

The scientific Business Advisory Committee to Facebook Marketing Psychologists recommends raising the volume. And the results. Back to levels where they were when they sold Page Managers the fan page goods.

Alternately, Facebook Marketing psychologists are invited to be laid on the table themselves. After all, if it was good for the Page Manager gooses, it promises to be thrilling for the Facebook ganders.

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Want to enjoy more of the literary allusion “etherized upon a table”? Visit The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock at Tweetspeak Poetry

Or, get this timely advice from Amber Haines, on the power of pirouetting, to nefariously escape the Premium Facebook Throttling Program

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