[on a scale from wit to whimsy: Punny]
Motherhood is hard enough without your sweet piglets hamming it up in bed. Egads!
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[on a scale from wit to whimsy: Ticklish Funny]
We’re in the middle of my favorite chic-but-cheap superstore when my four year-old gets that look on his face. “No!” I yell, to the consternation of a lady who’s trying to pick out perfect melons.
I think hard…I have a cart full of groceries, no diaper bag, and exactly twenty minutes to pay out, load my stuff into the car, and be at the pick-up line at my oldest son’s school.
I know what you’re thinking. Four years-old and still not trained? Trust me, I feel the same way. We’ve tried everything with son #2:
• the encouragement technique: “You can do it!”
• the peer-pressure technique: “Doesn’t everyone else in your class wear underwear?”
• the shaming technique: “Only babies go in their diapers.”
• and finally, the bribe technique: “If you go number two in the potty, we’ll buy you ANYTHING you want from the store.” (By the way, the price limit of said reward has escalated in recent months. He could ask for a live pony now and I might say yes.)
Nothing has worked. I’m not Catholic, but this sure seems like Purgatory—or at least, one of Dante’s circles of Hades. According to my extensive (okay, two-minute) Wikipedia research, there is actually a level where people are covered in human…never mind.
The other day, I sat in the bathroom across from our little man, doing my best to affirm him. “You can do it!” I said.
Then I got so desperate for victory that I started chanting, “Push it out, push it out, w-a-a-a-a-y out!”
I’m on the edge here, people.
Back to the store. In one of those “can’t believe I’m doing this” moments, I decide that paying for groceries is more important than letting my little angel have another teachable moment.
I can stand the smell for a few minutes. I’m just not sure my cashier will be too happy about it…still, we’re in a part of town I don’t frequent too often, so I’m not that concerned.
I am concerned that this trial of parenting patience and stamina will never be over. That’s why it’s so nice to know that I’m not alone. In my saner moments, I remember that parents have potty-trained their offspring for thousands of years, and they survived the process. Maybe with a few extra grey hairs, but still.
I also know that my son is growing up fast, and he won’t be at this juncture forever. So I’m peddling for patience, gritting my teeth, and shelling out hard-earned cash for glorified diapers.
And I remind myself of a cliché that seems terribly, pun-fully appropriate here:
This, too, shall pass.
Photo by JeepersMedia, Creative Commons, via Flickr.4
[on a scale from wit to whimsy: Punny, Satire, Drum-Cymbal]
Dr. Marz: Facebook Shares are down.
Dr. Sher: You’re telling me. I’m going to have to sell my helicopter and the diamond collar I bought my cat.
Dr. Marz: [rolls eyes] No, no, no. SHARES are down. People are leaving in droves. And the people who are sticking around aren’t sharing at virile post levels. They’re useless to the bottom line.
Dr. Sher: Damn. I guess we took that Share-Throttling to Increase Advertising Spending program just a little too far.
Dr. Marz: We better act fast.
Dr. Sher: I know how to act. I took some improv classes during my residency. Thought it would make me more creative in dealing with my worst psychiatric couch potatoes.
Dr. Marz: I think you’re our woman then. What’s the plan? How can we get these potatoes off the couch and back into the oven?
Dr. Sher: I recommend a 3-step plan:
A. Let’s jack up their “this post was seen by” numbers bit by tiny bit, over the course of a two-week period, to start changing their results without them knowing it
2. Around week two, let’s send out extra emails to Page Owners that say, “Your page had activity today.” That will encourage them to go look at their pages and see—voilà—that for the first time in about a year, their page has had activity!
B. We should announce that we’ve “noticed” that when people see more status updates, they write more status updates (this is vital information for the Page Managers!). And, while we’re at it, we should note that they’ve been doing it wrong and give them a brand new (ha!:) option for sharing called “link share.” Perfect hot coals approach!
Dr. Marz: Listen, Dr. Sher… that’s one step and two letters. This is never going to work.
Dr. Sher: Leave it to me.
Dr. Marz: You were the one who got us into this fix.
Dr. Sher: [slaps hand on table]. Bet!
Dr. Marz: Bet what?
Dr. Sher: Bet the diamond-studded cat collar this plan will work.
Dr. Marz: You’re on.
Dr. Sher: [smiles and gives a thumbs up]
Dr. Marz: Hey, wait a minute. Did you already sell the damned cat collar? What do you think I am? Half-baked?
Dr. Sher: [laughs out loud] You have no choice, Dr. Marz. It’s this, or we’re both fried!
Photo by Enokson, Creative Commons, via Flickr.3
[on a scale from wit to whimsy: Punny]
Passion runs high in debates over comma geography. Wikipedia underplays this debate, saying, “Opinions among writers and editors differ on whether to use the serial comma.”
The bearded editor in this video obviously encountered a geographically-misplaced Oxford comma. We sincerely hope he didn’t split any infinitives on the way down.
HT for video: Heather Eure6